Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
