I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
