jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
