So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
