the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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