so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
