I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
