It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
