Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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