my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
