I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize