So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
