Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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