My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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