I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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