she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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