Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
