Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
