I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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