I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
nutella sex= disaster
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
