I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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