Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
