I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm really busy with my period
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