I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
