Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
