Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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