Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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