I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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