my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
