I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
