you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
