He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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