he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
