I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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