What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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