Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize