Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
