Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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