Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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