I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
