my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
