I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
