I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
