The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
