My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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