I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
