Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
