She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
