If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize