ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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