I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
