I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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