Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
