I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
