oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
