so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
