I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
