Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
