He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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