im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
